Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Broke down the second time

Today is my 2nd time BREAKIN DOWN~
For once i broke down twice in a week.
I'm soo proud of myself..
Hurray...

Let mie tell you tis,
Breakin down is no FUN...
It's Torturing..
& Tiring...

For once i experience a real break down.
Not becos of relationship, bt friendship.
The pain is kinda different,
It's soo pain to the extend tat you feel as though you dun wanan live anymore.
You will just feel as though you wanna stab urself and stay away from everything.
no one will understand unless you gone thru it.

This was what happened,
After my first Broke down [which is ytd], im finally able to perk myself up today morning. Then was feeling rather excited tat i cld see dear today as school ended at 1pm? promised to let him eat SIM "lemon chicken rice" as it was pretty delicious.

So dear wanna come to school and fetch mie. Since tat's the case, i wanna bring him there to eat. Before i met up wif dear, i bought "Chocolate oreo" as i wan dear to take a few sips of it. As i noe he can't take cold drink and hot food together. soo only can let him try abit before having hot food. When i met up with dear, i was looking forward to see him and was pretty happy abt it. Though he seem abit sian and sleepy bt it doesn't affect my mood as i noe he was sick. Then i pass him the drink wishing tat he cld take a few sips...bt well he didn't as he was having slight sore throat.. Though it was disappointin bt it's alrite...cos health more impt..i wan dear to get well soon...

As we walked nt long later, dear asked mie where we going.Obviously i stun...cos i told him we shall have lunch at SIM just ytd? So i was abit disappointed tat he doesn't noe the plan actually. Den nvm...den dear told mie he dun wanna eat cos he dun feel like eatin. OBviously, i'm more disappointed...bt it doesn't affect my mood tat much. like what the hack? you dun wanna eat...den you come all the way to my school for wad? Bt well...i managed to pursue him to eat cos i doesn't wan him to go hungry. So we carried on walkin...

When we were abt to reached SIM...dear said he nt eatin...he said he will go VIVO eat instead. At this area, my mood immediately went from up to down...Obviously i will fele abit pissed. like hello? can you make up ur mind? is like we walk till there den you tell mie you decided to eat at vivo? If you really dun wish to eat or wanna eat at vivo...can't he tell mie when i met up with him in the first place? Not as though i will reject or whatever?

In the end i just brought him to SIM bus stop and take bus 61 to HARBOUR FRONT. ahh well..i gave up eating though during lesson i was feeling hungry. what to do since he doesn't wan to eat? den i also dun wan him to watch mie eat when he is sick. felt darn bad if i were to do tat. moreover i had NO MOOD, NO APPETITE to eat.

Through out the whole jouney to HF...we kept silent. doesn't wan to tok. He knew there is sth on my mind and he tried to asked me bt i just refused to tell him. The excuse i used was i'm tired...wanna rest. I noe i'm in the wrong for nt telling him how i felt when i was still in school. Cos i hate ppl to force himself/herself to go my way. Den i neo it was my fault for nt tellin him in bus. Cos what i wan is just to stay quiet, calm down and tryin hard to adjust my mood back.

When we walked to vivo...he kept askin if i'm alrite. As usual i told him i'm fine and nt to worry. yep at tat pt of time i really very sian and moody. and i just cldn't adjust back my mood. wad worse is i can't stop thinking abt what happened between mie and my 2 other friends.and eventually i felt pissed with myself.

At tat time of pt i really wish to go to the top of vivo and tell him how i felt abt his behaviour and really wish he cld adjust my mood back to normal. Really wish he cld do it.. But SAD to say...he failed...

Guess what he said when we abt to reach the destination? he told mie "think i sent you home den you can rest. Cos i see you today super moody".

Obviously, i know he doens't understand mie at all and felt tat i shld really reconsider our relationship. what else can i said since he mentioned tat? cos he made mie dun wanna stay anymore...i'm afraid i might explode infront of him anytime. The best way is to STAY ALONE.

yeshh..i DITCH HIM...asked him to take a bus home...cos i wanna walk home from vivo. Hopefully walking can cool mie down. yep he followed mie when i was walkin and it really pissed mie off...cos he is sick and i doesn't wan him to walked long distance under a hot sun.

When i reached home...
I DUMP my bag on my bed...
Took out the stronger alcohol in my hse.

Pour myself half cup
and drank it down within 10 mins..
Due to drinking alcohol with an empty stomach
and drinkin it at a fast speed
The alcohol took effect darn fast.

I was lyin my head on the sofa for a while.
Den decided to take a bath and had a rest.
Hoping everything will be fine after tat.

But wad happened was i get tipsy.
When i got up immediately,
I lost my coordination.
The way i walk is like a snake though my mind is still alert.

Went to wash my face,
Hoping to gain back my coordination faster,
Went to lie on the sofa
as i felt weak suddenly.
I felt as though i'm floating..

No matter how tipsy i was,
My heart hurt alot.
cos all the while i had been lyin to myself.

Though i told myself
is alrite to lose my secondary school close friend
cos nth is forever...
Though i told myself
is alrite to give up explaning to my another close friend
cos i noe nth will change her thinkin.

But the fact is they are IMPT in my life..
Physically, it doesn't seemed like
BUT it does..
It just HURT mie soo much to see us ending up in tis way...

Though i told myself nt to care for her anymore.
But i can't put myself to do it.
I wanna speak up for myself and ger.
cos she's wrong abt us.
I dun wanna leave her alone
I dun wanna stop carin for her

Bt i noe i have to,
cos i doesn't wan us to haf anymore misunderstanding

I HATE MYSELF.
I really do...
I hate myself to change into tis way.
I dun like the new mie tat i'm tryin to adapt.

rahhhh...

and i just burst to tears on the sofa..
very badly...
wishing dear was beside mie.

And it's soo coincidence tat alvin called mie
I picked up as it was an office number.
He heard me cried...
and i hang up cos i cldn't help myself to stop cryin...

I just wanna cried it out ONCE & 4 ALL...

and dear called mie when i abt to stop cryin...
Bt after hearing his voice,
I burst into tears again...
Dear was consolin mie as i was cryin real badly.

Went to bath after dear manage to stop mie from cryin.
Bt i cried again after i bath.
Cos dear smsed mie tat he need to go back camp..
Just felt disappointed la...
Cos i was thinkin of lookin for him after i take my nap

Cos i really miss him...

In the end i sent dear to camp.

When i get tipsy,
I cldn't controlled my emotional
and i just can't helped crying my heart out. [1st time]
Bt my mind is still alert abt my thinkin, behaviour.

Wanna thank dear and alvin for being there for mie. thanks for everything tat you guys had did for mie. especially alvin, i felt darn bad after knowing you skipped ur meeting cos you wanna check if i'm alrite a not. Bt i just wanna you to noe tat no matter how many time you told mie you still love mie and you still gonna woo mie or whatever, bt to mie you can only be my friend or brother and nth else...i shall just ignore what you had said today.

Thanks Guys..
and those who had always been supportive to mie =)
I will get well soon... =)

i end this at 8:59 AM with 0 comments

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Broke down the second time

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