Im sick and tired of all this. Not going to care a single shit out of it. Cos i had grown stronger. I know who deserve my time and who dun
I won't make myself down cos of immature thinkin fren I'm not going to explain anything to them. Cos there is no need for best friend to give any explanation. shame on it! Get a life man...
As long as they are happy, As long they think they are right Go ahead.. It's non my business.
Why shld i get myself pissed or broke down cos of best friends? If they ever make mie felt tat way or try all mean to hurt mie in any way, It prove tat they dun deserve to be my best friend. They dun care for my feelin so why shld i?
Choice to give up or making it worse is up to them. If they ever get any prob Dun ever come to mie, Cos i can't be bother wif them anymore. I will rmb wad they said for life. "Cos she dun care mie, why shld i bother to?" "I dun exist in their life"
And i believed what my friend said and i'm waiting it to come. Be it on mie or my friend. "what goes round, come rounds".
If i were to lose more friends, go ahead. I'm used to it. I won't take it to heart anymore. Even if i were to lose geradine and jj one day... I won't have much impact on it anymore.
I will live for my own and no one else
Choice is up to individual, Keep it and dun try way to hurt mie, Leave it and no regret Today ended school early. So managed to go out with my poly clique.. yep went with Bhavna, rei, adora. went to bugis junction and bugis street to shop for our items...aww each of us spent abt 60 plus =x
Mie: - 1 Tee shirt - 1 Outing shoe - 1 red shoe - 1 watch - 1 black nail polish
Rei: - A sling bag - Watch - Red Cap
Bhavna: - 2 Tee - 1 car logo deco - 1 watch - Belly ring =x? [Forgot what does it call]
Basically we had soo much funs and joke. and we share the same type of opinion yea...isn't it cool? haha...can make a shopping a perfect one..yea...our next outing will be on next next week =)
SHOPPIN QUEEN =D
Hope i can clear my shopping list nor. There are like soo many things to buy? HAH... well it's always the case...cos i hasn't been going for any shopping for quite some time ehh...
Items to Get: - 1 Slipper/ Sandal - 1 Heel - 1 bag - Jean Skirt - Jean pant - Jean Short
* Will upload the photos some other days*
18 Oct 2007 [ thursday] Ended school like 3. Felt soo tired...thus i took a nap before i even go bath. =s thanks god i wasn't sticky...soo still alrite i gues? =x yep was too tired tat i slept from 5 to 7.30pm. and Dear smsed mie asking mie if he cld come and meet mie cos he misses mie.
Obviously when you received a msg while sleeping halfway. You tend to forgot what you are doing now. soo yep i actually thot it was friday morning and dear wanna send mie to school. soo is like kind of sad la..cos i doesn't wan to wake up go school. Bt the fact was it's still thursday nite. it was abt 7pm when the weather seem like DAWN...soo yep...
woke up at 7.30 and went for a shower and ate my dinner before i meet dear at my hse downstair [8.30pm]. Though we part at 11pm..bt it's okay la...at least we met and we won't miss each other tat much =)
Today is my 2nd time BREAKIN DOWN~ For once i broke down twice in a week. I'm soo proud of myself.. Hurray...
Let mie tell you tis, Breakin down is no FUN... It's Torturing.. & Tiring...
For once i experience a real break down. Not becos of relationship, bt friendship. The pain is kinda different, It's soo pain to the extend tat you feel as though you dun wanan live anymore. You will just feel as though you wanna stab urself and stay away from everything. no one will understand unless you gone thru it.
This was what happened, After my first Broke down [which is ytd], im finally able to perk myself up today morning. Then was feeling rather excited tat i cld see dear today as school ended at 1pm? promised to let him eat SIM "lemon chicken rice" as it was pretty delicious.
So dear wanna come to school and fetch mie. Since tat's the case, i wanna bring him there to eat. Before i met up wif dear, i bought "Chocolate oreo" as i wan dear to take a few sips of it. As i noe he can't take cold drink and hot food together. soo only can let him try abit before having hot food. When i met up with dear, i was looking forward to see him and was pretty happy abt it. Though he seem abit sian and sleepy bt it doesn't affect my mood as i noe he was sick. Then i pass him the drink wishing tat he cld take a few sips...bt well he didn't as he was having slight sore throat.. Though it was disappointin bt it's alrite...cos health more impt..i wan dear to get well soon...
As we walked nt long later, dear asked mie where we going.Obviously i stun...cos i told him we shall have lunch at SIM just ytd? So i was abit disappointed tat he doesn't noe the plan actually. Den nvm...den dear told mie he dun wanna eat cos he dun feel like eatin. OBviously, i'm more disappointed...bt it doesn't affect my mood tat much. like what the hack? you dun wanna eat...den you come all the way to my school for wad? Bt well...i managed to pursue him to eat cos i doesn't wan him to go hungry. So we carried on walkin...
When we were abt to reached SIM...dear said he nt eatin...he said he will go VIVO eat instead. At this area, my mood immediately went from up to down...Obviously i will fele abit pissed. like hello? can you make up ur mind? is like we walk till there den you tell mie you decided to eat at vivo? If you really dun wish to eat or wanna eat at vivo...can't he tell mie when i met up with him in the first place? Not as though i will reject or whatever?
In the end i just brought him to SIM bus stop and take bus 61 to HARBOUR FRONT. ahh well..i gave up eating though during lesson i was feeling hungry. what to do since he doesn't wanto eat? den i also dun wan him to watch mie eat when he is sick. felt darn bad if i were to do tat. moreover i had NO MOOD, NO APPETITE to eat.
Through out the whole jouney to HF...we kept silent. doesn't wan to tok. He knew there is sth on my mind and he tried to asked me bt i just refused to tell him. The excuse i used was i'm tired...wanna rest. I noe i'm in the wrong for nt telling him how i felt when i was still in school. Cos i hate ppl to force himself/herself to go my way. Den i neo it was my fault for nt tellin him in bus. Cos what i wan is just to stay quiet, calm down and tryin hard to adjust my mood back.
When we walked to vivo...he kept askin if i'm alrite. As usual i told him i'm fine and nt to worry. yep at tat pt of time i really very sian and moody. and i just cldn't adjust back my mood. wad worse is i can't stop thinking abt what happened between mie and my 2 other friends.and eventually i felt pissed with myself.
At tat time of pt i really wish to go to the top of vivo and tell him how i felt abt his behaviour and really wish he cld adjust my mood back to normal. Really wish he cld do it.. But SAD to say...he failed...
Guess what he said when we abt to reach the destination? he told mie"think i sent you home den you can rest. Cos i see you today super moody".
Obviously, i know he doens't understand mie at all and felt tat i shld really reconsider our relationship. what else can i said since he mentioned tat? cos he made mie dun wanna stay anymore...i'm afraid i might explode infront of him anytime. The best way is to STAY ALONE.
yeshh..i DITCH HIM...asked him to take a bus home...cos i wanna walk home from vivo. Hopefully walking can cool mie down. yep he followed mie when i was walkin and it really pissed mie off...cos he is sick and i doesn't wan him to walked long distance under a hot sun.
When i reached home... I DUMP my bag on my bed... Took out the stronger alcohol in my hse.
Pour myself half cup and drank it down within 10 mins.. Due to drinking alcohol with an empty stomach and drinkin it at a fast speed The alcohol took effect darn fast.
I was lyin my head on the sofa for a while. Den decided to take a bath and had a rest. Hoping everything will be fine after tat.
But wad happened was i get tipsy. When i got up immediately, I lost my coordination. The way i walk is like a snake though my mind is still alert.
Went to wash my face, Hoping to gain back my coordination faster, Went to lie on the sofa as i felt weak suddenly. I felt as though i'm floating..
No matter how tipsy i was, My heart hurt alot. cos all the while i had been lyin to myself.
Though i told myself is alrite to lose my secondary school close friend cos nth is forever... Though i told myself is alrite to give up explaning to my another close friend cos i noe nth will change her thinkin.
But the fact is they are IMPT in my life.. Physically, it doesn't seemed like BUT it does.. It just HURT mie soo much to see us ending up in tis way...
Though i told myself nt to care for her anymore. But i can't put myself to do it. I wanna speak up for myself and ger. cos she's wrong abt us. I dun wanna leave her alone I dun wanna stop carin for her
Bt i noe i have to, cos i doesn't wan us to haf anymore misunderstanding
I HATE MYSELF. I really do... I hate myself to change into tis way. I dun like the new mie tat i'm tryin to adapt.
rahhhh...
and i just burst to tears on the sofa.. very badly... wishing dear was beside mie.
And it's soo coincidence tat alvin called mie I picked up as it was an office number. He heard me cried... and i hang up cos i cldn't help myself to stop cryin...
I just wanna cried it out ONCE & 4 ALL...
and dear called mie when i abt to stop cryin... Bt after hearing his voice, I burst into tears again... Dear was consolin mie as i was cryin real badly.
Went to bath after dear manage to stop mie from cryin. Bt i cried again after i bath. Cos dear smsed mie tat he need to go back camp.. Just felt disappointed la... Cos i was thinkin of lookin for him after i take my nap
Cos i really miss him...
In the end i sent dear to camp.
When i get tipsy, I cldn't controlled my emotional and i just can't helped crying my heart out. [1st time] Bt my mind is still alert abt my thinkin, behaviour.
Wanna thank dear and alvin for being there for mie. thanks for everything tat you guys had did for mie. especially alvin, i felt darn bad after knowing you skipped ur meeting cos you wanna check if i'm alrite a not. Bt i just wanna you to noe tat no matter how many time you told mie you still love mie and you still gonna woo mie or whatever, bt to mie you can only be my friend or brother and nth else...i shall just ignore what you had said today.
Thanks Guys.. and those who had always been supportive to mie =) I will get well soon... =)
Today i visited geradine together with adrian [my ex] immediately after school. she went for her scanning when we reached there. abt 40 mins later teh nurse sent her back to the room. and her classmates visited her..aww soo sweet of them..=) yep they bought her some cute soft toy which really perk her up...glad to see her smile and laughing all the way. Bt is pretty obvious tat mie and adrian was left out as we duno them. yep was quite glad tat she has soo many friends who really care for her. At the same time i was rather jealous la..
ohh yea...Justin bought ger flowers...wee u we...hahaa!! tat guy arhx...soo fickle minded...wan to give dun wan to give lidat..cos he duno when is the rite time to give...LOL...hahaa!! can tell tat darling was pretty touched. Quite happy for her. Happy tat she finally find her own happiness...a guy tat really love and care for her and never failed to be by her side. Yep since tat's the case, i shldn't worry soo much abt her ba. cos i noe no matter wad happened, her friends n justin will always be there for her =) IT'S TIME TO TAKE A BREAK FROM ALL THE CRAP...
why do i said tat? I had ENOUGH of all these! So wad if i'm nice to my friends? So wad if i'm always there for my friends? what did i get back?
What i get is all CRAP... What i get is just a broken friendship Or about to, soon to be....
Why do i even bother to waste my time to care soo much? Lent them a listening ear, Giving them comment... In the end NOt happy wif it...? End up spoiling our good relationship?
I had just lost another close friend of mine.[Not mentioning name] It really pissed mie off after i find out what she/he thinkin. Had always been there for him/her since the day we knew. Wasting soo much time on him/her Always there for him/her & Just becos of one bloody stupid issue... and she/he treating mie like tat? Always thot tat times will bring us back together. Bt i was WRONG... absolutely WRONG! after knowin what's on his/her mind ytd I'm GIVING IT UP... I GAVE UP...
Rahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
This is nt my first time losing a fren. I lost Vanessa due to the quarrel between she and my ex I lost adrian [after we became friend again] cos we can't communicate. Now i'm lost him/her after doing soo much for her and cos of 1 issue she lidat?
And i noe if i'm going to continue concerning one of my close friend I noe i'm gonna lose her too. The way she is chattin wif mie already bu shuang already. If i'm gonna poke my nose into her prob etc... I noe i can just say a BYE to her. Though i clear my misunderstanding wif her, Things not as bad as tat period. But things wasn't as good as before too.
Soo why shld i simply care for my friends? I dun see why shld i help my other friend to speak up? I dun see why shld i be a peace maker anymore The more i care, the more misunderstanding or whatever crap come. In the end the one who lose friend ITS MIE.
I'm just gonna spend my time helpin the society instead. Helpin those who is handicap Helping those who doesn't noe mie Helping those who is nt close to mie. TAT'S IT!
I'm not going to be there for my friends Not even My close friend animore. Dun say i'm heartless Dun say i dun care for you as a friend. Is you people who changes mie Is you people who changes my thinking Is you people who changes my attitude.
I will just live to myself and no one else. I will just care for myself and no one else. I will just think for myself and nothing else.
Slowly, i had accepted what people said.
Jkl said before: "Do not promise when time haven come" One good eg: "is all the promise tat him/her had in the past..." Now is all gone...
Junping said before: "Everything will come to an end which include friendship" One good eg: "Despite how much i do for him/her, just becos of one thing, all afford is gone."
So sorry friends out there. If i turn you down, pls do not blame mie. I'm no longer able to take it ANYMORE... I'm exhausted abt all these...
Right now... After typing tis part halfway, i went to read ping blog. I gt no idea shld i be angry or shld i feel hurt abt what she said. what i noe is I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE and i seriously BROKE down...
15 Oct 2007 [Monday] First day of school...have to report at 8am...just becos of briefing...and guess what? My class chairman act smart...thought today gt briefing bt actually is tml..LOL...we dun blame him cos he also dun wan de. so we proceed to our next class...and guess what? the 2 hrs class was cancel?...and there is no class after tat till 2pm...in teh end we had 5 hrs of break =.='' what a wonderful day i had.
While having my break, Geradine darling bf called mie and told mie if i cld go down to NUH as darling had admitted to hospital due to the fall in school. I was soo worried for her and wish i cld just rushed there. Yep, after school met up with dear in clementi and we went to visit her. thanks god it wasn;t as bad as we think. at least she din fracture anywhere? just hope she get well soon ...=)
14 Oct 2007 [Sunday] Went to Ps arcade to find dear. Went to yamaha and visit bryan for a while since i soo long din see him le.. haha..he soo dao...bt i noe why..=x den walk to bus stop to take bus to gwc nearby hawker to have our dinner. guess what? while walkin to the bus stop we saw mrs leong and her husband. din went to say hi to her cos i feel weird. =x
Ate rojak for dinner..YUmmy!! SOO LONG din eat liao...the food there really nt bad...=D Took a bus to my hse near by playground and yep spend our last day together before we start school.